Andrea Harner
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March 31, 2003

LIFE AFTER LIBERATION, PART III-What Iraqi Women Will Be Thanking Us For!!

Reporting LIVE from New York City: An ANDREAHARNER.COM EXCLUSIVE on Iraqi life after liberation...

WOW GUYS!!
Iraqi and American soldiers are dying left and right, but I can't help but be so excited for the women of Iraq!!
I mean, they'll mourn and grieve for a little while, but they'll surely perk up! once they get a hold of these AMERICAN GOODIES FOR WOMEN!!!

NOSE HAIR TRIMMER, PETITE ENOUGH TO FIT IN YOUR PURSE!

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LOTION APPLICATOR FOR BACK!

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BRACELET BUDDY!

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PEDI-HOSE!

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I have a confession to make: I'm TOTALLY ON THE FENCE about this War, I mean, I'm not even so sure we should call this a war...I'm thinking Liberation? Liberation could be a great! substitute for the nasty WAR word! The ONLY THING that propells me back onto the fence about THIS THING that's going on, is that people are dying!

Anyway, what's MOST IMPORTANT is that Iraqi Women's lives will be so much EASIER, more FUN and ultimately more SATISFYING.

March 28, 2003

Statues of Puberty

Me and my cuz I adore, Jessica Lazdins!

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*Andrea's hooker-esque eye make-up compliments of Sephora's Free Consultation & Application

March 27, 2003

All Messed Up Over Lighting

Was hanging out at this bar the other night and was deeply troubled by this lighting design...

If blue is known to be calming, red supposed to make one antsy and yellow drives people crazy....

Well then, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO FEEL??!!

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March 26, 2003

Wet Paint Ain't Wet

Such simple displays of creativity are just one reason why I HEART NY so much!

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March 25, 2003

I'm terribly cute but not feeling so well!!

This poor little pup had a cold and was on his way to the vet...

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March 24, 2003

Mister Softee Lies

Boys and Girls of America, let this be a lesson to you all, in the ways of Marketing and Lies.

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Upon exiting the MACASSO (Matisse-Picasso) exhibit at MOMA QNS (this first time visit to Queens makes me feel like I can finally buy one of those cool "Give It Up for Queens" T-shirts I've been eyeing!!!), we witnessed this ice cream truck and hoped that Mister Softee would come through on his promises but alas, EMPTY promises...

March 21, 2003

What are you supposed to do when you want your boss' cat??

Feeling deeply saddened and disturbed about the war, I'm wishing more than ever that I had a pet...however I have 3 hurdles to overcome:

1) The cat I would most want, is my boss' cat, Greta (see photo exhibiting her brilliant nature),

2) My boyfriend is dangerously allergic to cats and

3) My apartment has no room for a litterbox although I've recently heard of cats successfully trained to use the toilet just as we do!!!

Perhaps there's hope afterall.

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March 19, 2003

LIFE AFTER LIBERATION, Part II-What their pets will be enjoying

Reporting LIVE from New York City: An ANDREAHARNER.COM EXCLUSIVE on Iraqi life after liberation.

AS THE BOMBS BEGIN FALLING, DRASTICALLY IMPROVED IRAQI PET LIFE is more and more TANGIBLE!!!

Dirt, dust and flying debris will be things of PRE-LIBERATION as Iraqi Poochers wear stylish DOGGY GOGGLES!! Yay!!

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Iraqi Kitties will finally FEEL SAFE in their very own TIMMY the MOUSE HOUSE!!!

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Iraqi doggies will never have to be left at home again! as was commonplace, in the DARK DAYS BEFORE LIBERATION!!

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Iraqi Kitties teeter on the edge of being SPOILED ROTTEN! with this new OPPORTUNITY!! Finally, Dirty Iraqi Kitties walk in nature without having to drag in the dirtiness of the outdoors!! Yay!

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Little Iraqi Doggies, will no longer be depressed nor yearn for a little "FOOT UP!" in the cars because...we offer the PET LOOKOUT SEAT!!

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Finally,"GOING for the GUSTO!" as we friendly folk do! we offer them the option to SEND YOUR IRAQI DOG AWAY to a better, happier place...

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A beautiful Dog Island complete with Dog Statistics! so you always know, what company your NEWLY LIBERATED IRAQI PUPPY IS KEEPING!!

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OPTIONS, OPTIONS, OPTIONS!!
That's what we Americans love and Iraqis soon will as well!!

Americans, Iraqis, American pets, Iraqi pets....
EVERYBODY WINS! in Iraqi Life After Liberation!
HALLELUJAH!!

*******end of report*******

~Stay tuned for Part III of the LIFE AFTER LIBERATION series...~

LIFE AFTER LIBERATION, Part I-What they'll be eating

Reporting LIVE from New York City: An ANDREAHARNER.COM EXCLUSIVE on Iraqi life after liberation.

Americans will of course, be VICTORIOUS and Iraqis welcome us with OPEN ARMS!!

The first taste of LIBERATION for those LUCKY, LUCKY IRAQIS, will be an American favorite, HOT DOGS!

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This old-fashioned replica is the perfect TEACHING tool to allow Iraqis to LEARN about our great eating tradition!!
EAT UP, IRAQIS!!

Hot Dogs will undoubtedly be an IMMEASURABLE SUCCESS and Iraqis will PLEAD for More, More More!!!

So then we roll in the Pizzas and go the extra mile to introduce to them, the great American invention, THE PIZZAFORK!

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Speechless with Gratitude and Impressed beyond Belief, Iraqis plan their Thanksgiving celebration with another great American invention, TURKEY PLACECARD HOLDERS!!!
With these beauties on the table, Iraqis will be just like us, reminiscing with pride about how the ORIGINAL GREAT LIBERATION began in a little place called Plymouth Rock.

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Just when the Iraqis will ponder in amazement, "Is there anything the GOOD People of America HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF??" I mean, life as we used to know it, was never so FULL, so COMPLETE and so FUN, FUN, NUMBER 1 !!

The NATION OF INNOVATION will then simply OUTDO OURSELVES!! by providing for them, the vastly improved and dangerously superior...EZ & TIDY KABOB MAKER!!!

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Finally we'll THROW IN A BONUS, because we're good like that, by assuring them, "when you don't feel like cooking, and once restaurants, SPRING OUT OF THE RUBBLE, you've got take out!"

They'll then be unquestionably DUMBFOUNDED and ask, "with so many menus, how can we possibly keep track of them?"

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Well, that's when we present to them, The TAKE OUT MENU ORGANIZER! Hooray!!

GROUP HUGS commence and we revel TOGETHER in our profound happiness...us, for LIBERATING THEM and them, for BEING LIBERATED BY US.

*******end of report*******

~Stay tuned for for tomorrow's LIFE AFTER LIBERATION, Part II-What their pets will enjoy~

March 18, 2003

WAR?! WHAT WAR???

I've banned myself, at least for the time being, from blogging ranting and raving posts about the war...so in an attempt to counter how sick I feel about where we are headed, here's a post completely on the other end of the spectrum in terms of serious and silly.

A BOY AND HIS EASY BAKE OVEN...you should never mess with.

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Especially a boy who's defamed the girl on the box to make her look more like him...isn't he a peach...

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Ladies...this may be the long awaited answer to how to keep your man happy...ssshhh...let's try to keep it on the DL...

March 17, 2003

PIPN8EZ

After yet ANOTHER "I'm not sure Trivia's ANY fun at all!" Trivia battle at the apartment of the brilliant Professor Duncan, author of the recently released and entirely worthy of endorsement by andreaharner.com, Six Degrees, I walked out to discover a beautiful sight worth $225,000! and THAT'S NOT INCLUDING the PRICELESS vanity plate!

A few questions came to mind:

1. Did Duncan get a humungous advance on his book?
Never pegged him as the Ferrari type though...more like PINTO!! J/K, Dunky.

2. With THIS car AND THIS license plate, is PMPN STILL NOT EZ??

3. Is there ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD???

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MESSAGE TO THE OWNER OF THIS CAR:

GIVE ME A CALL. I'm sure you can find a cached version of my HOT SEAT post, you know, the one where I show my butt cheek, list my name, address and phone number...
THEN, you'll be needin' to change your license plate to PIPNSEZ!!!

March 14, 2003

To Citibank, with Love

Since I wasn't spreading ANY love yesterday, I was delighted to discover that my boyfriend had been taking care of that!...in his own special way of course (he can never pass up an opportunity to have a little fun with corporations!)...All this fun and laughter, in hopes of brightening up, even just for a moment, someone's mundane, daily routine of opening mail, removing check, opening mail, removing check...

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March 13, 2003

I LOVE people like KIMBERLY AND people who support THE WAR! I'm SO full of LOVE!

WARNING: AN ANDREA RANT AND RAVE CONTAINED HEREIN. ANY PAIN CAUSED BY READING THIS IS UNINTENTIONAL AND UNFORTUNATE YET IRRETRIEVABLE. Thanks for your cooperation.

Kimberly, a HUGE idiot and complete bitch (Nice Combo! Well done, Kimberly!) called into the Brian Lehrer Show on WNYC this morning and did 2 things simultaneously: 1) Exposed herself as a fool with comments such as (and I apologize to Kimberly fans or verbatim fans out there as I am merely paraphrasing from memory), "I am UTTERLY DISGUSTED by your show, EVERYTHING you say is anti-American and you're doing nothing good in this world" and 2) Nauseated and enraged listeners of the show such as myself. Brian Lehrer handled this woman well by attempting to ask her questions which may have lead to an interesting, substantive and constructive discussion instead of one ignorant woman's rant against a NOT AT ALL ignorant Brian Lehrer. She was unable to answer the questions (surprise! surprise!) and further dug herself into the hole of IDIOCY by contending, "I NEVER listen to your show, Brian! (Her tone being, "ugh! As IF I would stoop so low!") I was RUSHING TO THE SALON when I heard it for the first time and was outraged by you! (Rushing to the SALON on a Thursday morning, angered by people with brains and a more balanced and sensible view of the world than her? WAIT, I think I know Kimberly or Kimberly types...they're fun! they're great! they're SWEET.

SO, that was NOT what I consider to be a nice start to the morning!

Neither is feeling inundated by ALL THE OSTENSIBLY VALID REASONS WE SHOULD GO TO WAR WITH IRAQ...since THESE "REASONS" are PRECISELY, NOT REASONS to declare war, in my humble opinion of course...LUCKY FOR ME! Most of the ENTIRE WORLD agrees with me.

Of course these are only my opinions and people are allowed their opinions, yes, even people like KIMBERLY, as much as that pains me, it's necessary and good to have the viewpoints of the white, the black and the shades of gray represented and engaged...

In this spirit, check out this representation of dialogue:

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March 12, 2003

NYC Doggy Activities

aaaahhhh...the exciting lives of New York City Dogs...

WAITING at the post office...

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WAITING at the bank...

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DOGGY THERAPY being ANOTHER poular activity, which doggy do YOU think is more in need of immediate therapy? It's a tough one!

March 10, 2003

How I am so PROLIFIC

I am CONSTANTLY inundated by people asking me this ONE question:

HOW IN THE WORLD are you able to BLOG SO OFTEN and STILL WORK 10 HOUR DAYS AT A FULL TIME JOB??!!

Well folks, I'm now ready and willing to divulge the answer. Here it is...

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SLEEPBLOGGING


Some people SLEEPWALK, I SLEEPBLOG.

WARNING: NOT A SINGLE POST ON THIS SITE WAS BLOGGED WHILE CONSCIOUS.

Ugh! What's that horrible noise? Oh! My alarm clock's going off!

Time to WAKE UP and GET TO WORK!

Artists are NOT CRAZY ok?

EVERYONE THINKS ARTISTS ARE CRAZY PEOPLE...all I hear, all the time is that artists are crazy, SO CRAZY..and I am SICK of it! I'm going to want to put an END to this HARMFUL MISCONCEPTION!!

As someone who WORKS WITH artists for a living, rest assured that I am here and now, going to correct this WRONG.

Artists are simply, OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

To demonstrate this, please see Yael Kanarek's website, World of Awe.

J/K Yael!! J/K!! J/K!!

Please see PHOTOS of her FREEBASING COFFEE from a 4 hour old coffee urn at the expense of her dignity.

Will she do it??

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I'm afraid so...

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Yay! I've proved my point! ESPECIALLY SINCE I JUST FOUND OUT THAT IN ORDER TO PROVE A POINT, ONE NEEDS ONLY ONE DATA POINT! YAY!!

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March 9, 2003

MAKING PEOPLE SMILE...that's what counts, people!...according to an annoyingly preachy andreaharner.com today

I woke up this morning, technically this afternoon, but hey! who's really paying attention!?...and decided that I will blog very little on the weekends. The reason-and BELIEVE ME, it was a difficult decision to make-is that my traffic, aka my friends and family, don't check me out so much on the weekends so it just makes sense to save up my OH SO BRILLIANT posts for the week.
Just as I made this decision, I checked my site statistics-yes, I am an OBSESSED BLOGGER-and was OVERJOYED, to say the least, to find this comment on a fellow bloggers site, yezbick.com

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"MAKES ME SMILE??!!" MY SITE makes people, or at least one person, SMILE?? OMG. I actually TEARED UP and started ranting about how wonderful it felt to be SPREADING CHEER in this crazy, messed up world...ok fine...so granted, 1) I used to be a hippie...ssshhhhh...let's keep that on the DL, folks and 2) if on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being apathetic and aloof and 10 being super uber sensitive, I was easily a 10 this morning, it still felt SOOOO good, friends and family! Could my insanity have anything to do with the gazillion cocktails that fueled my TRIVIA playing last night until 4 in the morning?? DIDN'T THINK SO!!

March 8, 2003

Thank you

Friends-this post is simply to thank you for being such dedicated readers of my blog. THANK YOU. Oh! And also, if I may say so myself, I think my last post, "Stony Awards 2003" is hilarious...SO, I'm hoping you will now just scroll right down to yesterday's post. It's painless, I pomise!!

March 7, 2003

The STONY AWARDS 2003

Whew!! I have ONLY JUST recovered from the HIGH TIMES, STONY AWARDS , my stony friends!!

2 nights ago, I accompanied Comedian Chelsea Peretti, who had 2 Press Passes to the STONYS as she writes for the Village Voice We arrived late due to Chelsea's rigorous comedy schedule so missed out on sitting in the Press section. The only reason that's worth mentioning is that last year in the Press section, Chelsea found herself sitting with Snoop Dogg's GROWERS! Needless to say, she was given succulent samplings of the goods! Thanks SNOOP's GROWERS!!
(Important side note: Last year, SNOOP DOGG received the STONY for STONER OF THE YEAR...6 months later, he swore off the CHRONIC...MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT???!!!)

So here we are pretending to be stony like all the stoners around us:

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We then had to avoid looking at this LAMO-note to WORLD: NOT COOL TO WEAR NECKLACE WITH POT LEAVES.

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There were also a few sad moments like realizing that this is as good as it gets for Pauly Shore's career. Catch a fleeting glimpse of him in all his glory as this year's HOST of the STONY AWARDS:

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So SURPRISE!! He gets a STONY AWARD for his PERFORMANCE in some CRAP movie and he gives a speech that made you want to say to him in a soothing, tender voice, "this isn't the OSCAR'S, sweetie"

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The CROWD PLEASER of the evening was a STONY awarded to THE SIMPSONS!! Yay!! Check out HOMER'S JOINT:

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THE crowd was OUT OF CONTROL at this point...easy, stoners!!!
So just when they were HIGH IN SPIRITS, an OLD GUY who writes for Newsday, gets up on stage and says, "SOON, AS IRAQI CHILDREN WILL BE CELEBRATING THEIR BIRTHDAYS, THEY WILL HAVE THEIR HEADS BLOWN OFF INSTEAD OF BLOWING OUT THEIR BIRTHDAY CANDLES"

Ummmm-BUZZ KILL...so let's show another slide of a guy taking a toke off a bong, yay! THAT'LL CHEER EVERYONE UP!!

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Sure enough, that was a CROWD PLEASER and the crowd erupts in cheers! WHEW-almost lost them there!!

THANK GOD, the STONER OF THE YEAR award was up next:

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The LUCKY STONER was none other than HORATIO SANZ from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!! Look at that sweet kiss for the STONY-yes, the STONY IS A BONG.

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Boy, is it easy to lose track of time, my friends...QUICKLY APPROACHING 4:20...gotta run!!

March 6, 2003

Tokyo HIPSTER

Tokyo HIPSTERS...Boy are they different from NYC hipsters. I saw this woman at a subway station in Tokyo and asked if I could take her picture...she was like (in Japanese of course), "Yeah! Wow! Thanks for taking my picture! That's so nice!"
Now, let's think about that for a moment...would a NYC "COOLER THAN THOU" HIPSTER be so nice? Don't think so! Or so cool? Perhaps not!!

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March 5, 2003

JERKOFF at your own RISK!!

ALRIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS!!!
I KNOW you have nothing better to do on Tuesday nights than to JERKOFF!!
I am POOPED from so much JERKOFF last night!! By JERKOFF, I don't mean it literally, guys!! Golly, I mean JERKOFF, as in the weekly COMEDY show, hosted by none other than Chelsea Peretti, co-creator of Black People Love Us! and The Rejection Line...with Bobby Tisdale, author of Dear Diarrhea!!

Yay for the new sign!

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Look at that sweet face:

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She's so serious sometimes:

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WATCH OUT THOUGH GUYS...all this fun and laughter may make you do CRAZY THINGS!!

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YIPPEE!!!

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DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA!!!
For you brave souls, JERKOFF takes place at 8 PM every Tuesday @ Via Della Pace on 7th & 2nd Ave...

March 4, 2003

Italian Hours of Operation

Now THIS is the kind of "ORARIO DI APERTURA" I'm talkin' about!!!

If you look carefully, you'll notice that the clock on the upper right signals something like 1.3 o'clock...I'm thinking that's a sad attempt at pretending to work an extra hour!! Shame on you!! Be proud of siesta begining at 1 o'clock, my dear Italianos!!

One question though...with these "ORARIO DI APERTURA" what are ideal blogging hours?

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March 3, 2003

Florentine Drunkard

I was walking along the beautiful streets of Florence when I spotted this poor guy who just about spoiled my scenery and nearly ruined my appetite!! For about an hour, I was in and out of stores in the vicinity and as far as I know, he never moved. Someone finally tried to wake him...unsuccessfully so just settled on taking his pulse...he was alive.

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March 2, 2003

Feeling blah

I'm going to write this entry as a "normal" person and not as the world famous blogger that I am because I have bad days too, friends, family and fans! I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, endure bad hair days, accidentally put on my left satin slipper on my right foot, feel terrible about the millions I make as a blogger...uuugh, it's bringing me down just thinking about it!

So I woke up this morning with the "I feel ugly" blues...yes, I did...my servants were horrified and their inability to understand that I too suffer, propelled me further into the depths of despair so I sat up in my princess bed and angrily pushed away my breakfast in bed tray causing silverware, china, crystal, caviar and salmon to fall the 8 feet from my bed to my zebra skin rug and just spill, shatter and stain....wait, I'm sorry, where was I? Right, right...so I woke up today, looked out the window and it was gray and rainy and I felt blah...boy did I yearn for these treasures from Japan.

A little "LOVE BODY" drink would have REALLY given me the boost I needed:

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This "NEW SHAPE BODY" kit would have also come in handy:

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And finally, I could have firmed my fat face with these lovely products:

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March 1, 2003

MINI SHIBA spotted on St. Marks Place

blackmusicnote.jpg"~It's gettin' hot in here...so take off all your~"blackmusicnote.jpg

DAMN! We all could use a little COOLING OFF after the HOT SEAT post so here's a casual little post with a face as the only exposed skin :-)

The first Mini Shiba I've spotted! PERFECT New York City dog...although I would want nothing more than to be able to have my dear Sparky, a regular sized Shiba, with me here in NYC.

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