Andrea Harner
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October 29, 2004

VOTE OR CRY

Since my post about going to FLA, I've been overloaded with emails asking me how I'm going to vote and the answer is...the easiest way I've voted in my life so far!

A big enveloped arrived in the mail in which I found instructions that I studied closely:

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And caaaarefully...No one was going to pull a fast one on me.

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Oh, I got it! However...Thomas Edison was chosen over Amelia Earhart and I'm more of a plane person than a lightbulb person but I can live with the example for instruction sake:

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I was ready to put on my shades, suck on a popsicle and V-O-T-E!!

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This picture proves that I voted for Kerry and for about 15 people I know close to nothing about...also, that I love ramen enough to make a ramen collage for my wall.

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I had an envelope moistener right next to me but I preferred to lick, vomit, lick, vomit.

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A kiss sealed the deal...

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and then my ballot humped Jonah's all the way to the post office.

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Nothing's sexier than exercising civic duty.

You know the deli scene in one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally??

That was post-voting.

October 28, 2004

A Message to Undecideds

It's mind-blowing to me that you people throw your up hands and sigh, "Gosh, I just don't know whether to vote for Bush or Kerry!" Well gosh, I'm amazed at your stupidity. And when you say, "I'd like to hear more details...I'd like more time spent talking about....I'd like...I want..." I scream silently, YOU ARE SO SPOILED. WHO TOLD YOU YOU DESERVED SO MUCH? YOU'RE SO ANNOYING. Snap to it, people.

Here's a 10 year old displaying conviction. Try it on for size.

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*Willa Rubin, age 10, writer, guitarist and my inspiration.

October 26, 2004

7 DAYS AWAY!!

This Saturday, Jonah and I will join a group organized by ACT (America Coming Together) and go to Fort Lauderdale where we'll remind folks that Kerry makes the sun shine in FLA and that Kerry is a friend of the All You Can Eat establishments. On Election Day we'll bus Blacks, Jews and Other Liberals to polling places and then we'll party our pants off at the victory party! We're certain there will be some FLA sponsored voting hanky-panky, so we've gotta go down there to do some illegal interventions of our own (You vote Kerry, this buffet coupon's yours, Grandma). For the record: I'm JOKING.

Check out this hilarious video for some FLA flavor:


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What'll YOU be doing???

That's not supposed to make you feel guilty. It's supposed to make you hate me and then motivate you to help Kerry in this pivotal election!

If I can do it, you can too:
ACT,
John Kerry for President-Volunteer Center,
America Votes &
MoveOn-Leave No Voter Behind.

The very least you could do is PARTY, right?!

Hot off the press from EYEBEAM R & D is the FundRace Block Party! which identifies Democrats and Republicans in your (or any) neighborhood so if you want to party with people you like or with people you hate, or to organize a trip to a swingstate with your neighbors, click below on Mr. Heinz (way to go, Johnny!) or Mr. InternetS:


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Wouldn't hurt if in between keg stands you made a phone call or two to PA, FLA, OH, NV..., ..., ..., ... Fill in with states Howard Dean screamed.

Go Kerry!!!

October 25, 2004

Frozen Fish

Uuum, it's a little cold in here.

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October 22, 2004

Animal Farm

Two weekends ago, the city mice went to the country!

While packing for the trip, Jonah asked me, "Will there be any animals there?" and I replied, "I highly doubt it."

This is what greeted us on arrival. Oops, oops, oops, oops.

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And then this little 6 incher.

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And this pig:

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And this horse:

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And this sheep:

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And these miniature goats:

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And these miniature donkeys:

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And this crazy cat:

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Bonzo supposedly acts depressed sometimes because he only gets 23 hours of constant love and affection per day. No one felt too sorry for him so it didn't seem like he'd get that additional vital hour but I pumped him up by teaching him that persistent moping and whining would eventually pay off.

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He was amped by my teachings.

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The Spaniels loved backseat driving.

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And front seat driving.

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Someone else also likes zipping around dangerously huh? Sandy??

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It's the apple cider making siblings! They discovered that there was one crucial apple missing from the barrel.

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Jonah has an apple shaped bicep.

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Here's Neev zooming in on my teeth. See that? Teethtacular.

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Here's good and evil.

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One of the best things is discovering baby pictures of your friends. There she is, Lily the American Indian with a Monocle.

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All good things must come to an end...an ending in which I got carsick for the first time and tried Lamaze breathing for the first time too.

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Was city mouse missing the country?!

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October 20, 2004

Olivia Sage

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I'm so so sorry, cute little kitty, that you're named Olivia Sage.

When you're not getting beaten up by the other kitties for your name, be sure to stop and smell the flowers along the way.

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Get right up in there. Yup, just like that.

October 18, 2004

Amy Sedaris, Jerri Blank and Me.

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Ever since I was introduced to the first season of Strangers With Candy I have loved the hilariously irreverent, super smart series and especially the offensive, disgusting, adorable and lovable Jerri Blank character (brought to brilliant life by the one and only Amy Sedaris).

This Saturday in Billy's Bakery on 10th Ave & 21st I spotted the amazingly talented Amy Sedaris who has more funny bones than regular bones. I said to my friend, "Living in New York and seeing celebrities all the time makes me completely unfazed by them but there are three celebrities that can tongue tie me: Jon Stewart, Bjork and Amy Sedaris."

I walked up to her and asked if I could take a picture with her. She sweetly replied, "Oh, sure!" and then pointed at my engagement ring mischeviously and said, "If I can wear that!" Suddenly I became dorkier and more psychotic by the second and replied, "Really?! Of course you can!" while thinking, "OH MY GOD!! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!" Then I told her that I love Jerri Blank and she immediately went into character and said, "Oh good, then I'll play Jerri Blank!" Nearly brain damaged with delight, I leaned into her (exuberant nerd face exhibited above), she lifted her mug so the ring was a-sparkling, I took the picture in my characteristic way and when I looked at the viewfinder I saw that she was Jerri Blank. For a second, I was able to hang out with Jerri (and Jonah was momentarily engaged to Jerri). Now with this post, I am also able to immortalize my fervent dorkdom.

She was so nice and cute and as I buzzed out of Billy's, I think a cab ran over my foot but I'm not sure.

If there's nothing else you do today, rent or buy Strangers With Candy - Season One. The greatest part of this series in addition to all the exclamations I already made, is that the cast is comprised of very, very, very, funny people such as Stephen Colbert (now of The Daily Show), Paul Dinello, Greg Hollimon and other actors.
If you find yourself alone watching SWC, you should know that your friends are stupid and here's better companionship.

Some of her classiest lines are the following...For a real taste of the Blankster, click on the image below for audiofiles:

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There's also going to be a movie!!

Check out some of her other projects:

Strangers With Candy - Season Two, Strangers With Candy - Season Three

Wigfield-The Can-Do Town That Just May Not, Wigfield - The CD

The Book of Liz

Several of the above were created in collaboration with her brother David Sedaris, the writer of sweet, stinging, sentimental, salacious, successful short stories. My fave of his: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

What's my IM icon? Well it's funny you should ask...

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October 15, 2004

Going UpRiver with a Major Crush on Kerry

I've got a major crush on Kerry. And I mean MAJOR.

It all began while watching Going UpRiver, an excellent documentary about Kerry's service in Vietnam and his incredible leadership upon returning from Vietnam. I highly recommend it and you're in luck - It's in theaters now.

Although it's depressing that our current President was doing keg stands during this time, you'll be inspired and excited to welcome Kerry as our next President!

Here are some snapshots of a true leader. Click on pics for the trailer.

Upon returning from Vietnam, Kerry leads the Vietnam Veterans against the War...

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Kerry testifies before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

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I think most people could only hope to be as articulate as Kerry was already at age 27.

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Suspenseful first sentence...

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meets dramatic, climactic ending...

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October 14, 2004

When Sparky Met The Rasterbator

The Sparkster has been rasterbated and now appropriately monopolizes our living room. Our apartment finally feels just right.

It all began with the sweetest gesture by JP who, sensing I had a bad day, took this picture of Sparky and used this radical service called The Rasterbator to transform the small photo into a large poster. Unbeknownst to me he laid out the many 8 x 10 pieces of paper so that when I opened the door, the biggest and best surprise/Sparky greeted me. Everyone needs a Jonah and a Sparky in their lives.

So then we embarked on this fun art project to finally get something up on our walls. 2 months before moving out of your apartment is a good time to start devoting time and energy to decorating.

Jonah laid out Sparky again to measure how big a sheet of plywood we needed to get. We also realized then that we would trim the white edges off the sheets of paper so that it wouldn't look like we were looking at Sparky through a window. We wanted her right there with us.

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The blue cutie is our Doraemon robot I received as a gift this summer in Japan. He's really loyal to Jonah and won't leave his side (He's tethered to the wall while his batteries charge and I procrastinate reading the manual).

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Rasterbated Sparky measured 54 x 39 inches so I went up the street to a lumberyard in a building (NY version) and got a 1/4 inch think sheet of plywood cut to size for $14.

Then I went to my favorite store The Art Store on Bond Street (stalkers-if I may be so presumptuous-I spend a lot of time there-see you around!) and bought sandpaper ($2), dark brown watercolor paint ($2) to darken the wood for tremendous effect, foam brushes ($1) and some Mod Podge ($8) to glue the sheets of paper to the wood and then to seal the final product.

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Jonah bought hanging materials ($3), hung up the puppy and we high fived!

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$30 and tons of fun later, we were done! That's my happiest face:

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That's me petting Sparky's paw. This may not be the best thing for someone with delusional tendencies. Don't worry, I know that Sparky is not really here and that she lives in California...It just gets confusing when she barks and licks my cheek...

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Here's The Rasterbator for your pleasure and if you want a 4 foot Sparky too, here you go!

October 12, 2004

CAP, Chihuahuan American Princess

This photographer comments that this is one of the most horrendous things ever. I agree about the paisley shirt the pooch's owner/stylist/slave master is wearing. Paisley only looks good on invisible people.

As for the pooch's outfit, as a pooch whisperer I can safely say that he's saying, "Finally. Before this, I felt like a pre-op tranny. Now, I look how I always should have looked."

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Democracy Ad

I woke up this morning feeling a little something....what was it?

Oh, I know what it was..preachy and right*!

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*as in right and wrong, not in terms of the political spectrum.

October 11, 2004

In Honor of Columbus Day...

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October 8, 2004

Burka Blasphemy

We're off to the country this weekend!

For burka fittings...

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Supposedly there's a place where they make the burka fit so flatteringly that the burka becomes you...

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October 7, 2004

Red Let the Dogs Out

Check out this unjustifiably melodramatic and thoroughly enjoyable investigation of "Who Let the Dogs Out at Battersea?"

Skip the text and nose dive into the video link on the right, turn up the volume and prepare yourself for mystery, intrigue, drama...British style.

Excerpts:

A picture of innocence but there's more to Red than meets the eye....

Anyone coming to Battersea looking for a pet should be warned, they might find themselves with a pet who lets the burglars in...

A sneak peak at the ole bugger:

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October 5, 2004

Jonah & Andrea in the Dominican Republic

I had the coolest underwater camera shell for my new Pentax Optio s4i...

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but it still didn't prevent water droplets on the outerlens, obscuring my hard paddling expressions...

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I was paddling hard because Jonah was afraid there was something biting his butt so I paddled like crazy while he hung on for dear life. For some reason when I look at this picture prunes flash before my eyes:

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Here's Jonah in a more confident moment.

Oh, how I cheered, "You got it baby! You can do it! You're body surfing a huge wave!"

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My lawyer forbids me to say what Jonah was doing to me to elicit my response:

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The camera had endless modes which meant limitless fun.

Here's the polarizing filter that promises to capture fish in the water. What do you call schools and schools of fish you can't see?

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The wide mode is a real help when trying to imagine life with a fat significant other:

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And conversely, the skinny feature gives you a taste of life with an anorexic partner:

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Poster mode was so successful we're awaiting word from Presidente Beers on the use of this image for an upcoming ad campaign:

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The camera worked in chlorinated water:

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As well as in salt water:

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It wasn't the most inconspicuous camera though.

On a walk to the ATM guarded by guys with assualt rifles (no jokey) we ran into this little guy who kept saying something to me in Spanish and pointing to my camera. In my awkwardness I said "Oh, you want me to take a picture of you with this camera? Ok!"

We walked away and Jonah told me he had was saying, "You're rich and I'm poor." Great.

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So naturally this interaction made us want to maximize our almighty dollar so since cigarettes cost only a dollar a pack we bought 100 cartons and now have a healthy online cigarette business.

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We took many outings during the day to surf spots, to learn windsurfing, etc and we always found ourselves surrounded by Germans...interesting, exotic, unnerving:

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On our way to Windsurfing 101 in a lagoon with only hints of wind ("Was that wind?! Oh, I guess it was just you breathing") we rode on the back of a truck with strong winds and yet there was a certain someone with a hat on:

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Not for long...lesson was learned.

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I love mangoes and she was the nicest fruit lady I ever met:

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I love these trees with red flowers called Flamboyan, originally from Madagascar:

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I also love surfing and that's why I don't mind looking like a dorkass to do it:

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Jonah plans to wear these goggles on our wedding day:

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Beautiful, reserved Mariposa:

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Sleepy, cute Perro:

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I just don't get Iguanas:

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Individuo con el arbol que crece fuera de la cabeza. Thanks BabelFish Translations!

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We found the best restaurant ever:

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The best meal of my entire life:

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Jonah gave it a try:

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and agreed:

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I looked like a drag queen with sunburned eyeballs.

Cautionary tale - Sunglasses are not just accessories. They are eyeball protectors. They shield your eyes from the scorching sun. You should wear them. It was too late for me but it may not be too late for you.

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This is what Verizon looks like in the DR:

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This is inappropriate advertizing for the movie WhaleRider:

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National Geographic-watch out:

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October 4, 2004

The Faces of Frustration

Let's watch that debate again!! And again!!

Click below to see funny highlights:

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A sampling:

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A teaser:

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For more fun: click here.

October 1, 2004

Terizm, Terizm, Terizm...

Hey congrats to all who have said 'terrorism', '9/11', etc ad nauseum because now it all sounds like blah, blah, blah!

I think I'm supposed to be scared into voting for Bush.

Well Mr. 'Not Such A Good Debater' Bush....BOO! I'M VOTING FOR KERRY.

Check out this short video:

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Video projects





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