Edward Lai Harner, Edward Harner
Andrea Harner
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November 10, 2004

A Day in the Life of Joe Republican

I am unstoppable in this post-election atmosphere!!!

Post, post, post, breathe, breathe, beathe, post, post post, breeeeeaaathe.

Some of you are loving me and others...not so much.

Self-reliance? Remember folks, people need each other.

Hold me. I'm feeling close to (some of) you.

**********************************************************************

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with
water to prepare his
morning coffee. The water is clean and good because
some tree-hugging
liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards.

With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily
medication. His
medications are safe to take because some stupid
commie liberal fought to
ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his
employer's medical plan
because some liberal union workers fought their
employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs.
Joe's bacon is safe to
eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to
regulate the meat
packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo.
His bottle is properly
labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the
total contents because
some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what
he was putting on his
body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath.
The air he breathes is
clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal
fought for the laws to
stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his
government-subsidized ride to work.
It saves him considerable money in parking and
transportation fees because
some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public
transportation, which
gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with
excellent pay, medical
benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation
because some lazy liberal
union members fought and died for these working
standards. Joe's employer
pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't
want his employees to
call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll
get a worker
compensation or unemployment check because some stupid
liberal didn't think
he should lose his home because of his temporary
misfortune.

It's noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so
he can pay some bills.
Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC
because some godless
liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from
unscrupulous bankers who ruined
the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage
and his below-market
federal student loan because some elitist liberal
decided that Joe and the
government would be better off if he was educated and
earned more money over
his lifetime.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father
this evening at his
farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the
drive. His car is among
the safest in the world because some America-hating
liberal fought for car
safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third
generation to live in the
house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because
bankers didn't want
to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity
until some
big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't
belong and demanded
rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His
father lives on
Social Security and a union pension because some
wine-drinking,
cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of
himself so Joe
wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns
on a radio talk show.
The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and
conservatives are
good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans
have fought against
every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his
day.

Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government
liberals ruining our lives!
After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone
should take care of
themselves, just like I have."

* written by Donna L. Lavins and Sheldon Cotler.



Comments

Andrea, this is fabulous. Sending to friends...

Posted by: leslee at November 10, 2004 5:08 PM

andrea,
without you, i wouldn't be able to make conservatives and republicans feel stupid, or normal...whatever you may want to call it,

keep it up

Posted by: mike d at November 10, 2004 6:17 PM

loved this, andrea. keep it up.

Posted by: nancy (jane) at November 10, 2004 7:33 PM

Great post and I can see how some of those things are true. But you can't dismiss the fact that capitalism and competition between companies also helped with some of those things.
For example: car safety. Volvo was one of the first car manufacturers to have 3-point seatbelts when other american car manufacturers weren't doing it. Since safety became important to the consumer and then it can be assumed that they, the consumer, would buy volvo over american cars because of safety. Instead of losing business,it would make sense for american car makers to become safer. Therefore, car companies would continue to outdo each other for consumer's business.
Just as you came up with reasons to support liberals I can come up with reasons why capitalism has helped achieve the same goal.

I voted Republican but it doesn't make me a bible-thumping evangelist. Just as being a democrat doesn't make you a hippy tree-hugger.

Posted by: tiffanie at November 11, 2004 10:39 AM

Andrea, this could be one of the best ever posts. I miss NY, and all of those crazy liberals on their crazy individual journeys in their unique whirling whizzing up worlds in what really, we all have to admit, is still the freest country in the world, where no one has to copy anything because creativity hasn't been squashed, or censor their text messages because they are FREE to walk through beautiful and wonderful and strange new passages, and free to access the BBC website!! I want home! And I want to fight that much harder to preserve it and to make it an example for the world. and drink clean water and breathe fresh air! go on China, stop me!

Posted by: amyinchina at November 11, 2004 1:44 PM

umm, good post and all(as is par for the course A. sets)I i don't mean to be one of these people who reply to comments However...

Volvo got bought out by Ford a few years back (after all, as soon as they got bought out did they come out with a SUV)...so much for ingenuity.

I love America,..however today i braved my way across the Vetrens Day Parade to find my self at 1251 Ave. of the Americas...which ironicly happened to be home of the Canadian Embassy.. in a word..PACKED. (they are still accepting applications)

Posted by: Me of me Inc. at November 11, 2004 6:19 PM

Hmm. Maybe you should credit the authors of the piece somewhere: their names are Donna L. Lavins and Sheldon Cotler.

See http://linkfilter.net/?s=j;jid=9297 and note the date.

Otherwise it looks like you claim to have written this yourself.

Posted by: Frank Frink at November 12, 2004 8:40 AM

And fix the formatting. You can tell it was copied out of an e-mail by the way the lines break.

Posted by: Shigpit at November 12, 2004 8:51 AM

Thank you for the authors names...I've now credited them.

Andrea

Posted by: Andrea at November 12, 2004 9:31 AM

Great. Another liberal group who just can't believe they lost, so they poke fun at the rest of the country. You lost because of attitudes like this. Take a look around. Have a coffee. Look in the mirror. Get over it. Do beter in 2008.

Posted by: Ed at November 12, 2004 10:19 AM

Right...some liberal fought for all that stuff. If that isn't a stereotype. The Democratic party used to be respectable, now it's just sad.. for one, your post talks about health care and prescription drugs. Your boy Kerry wanted to have a socialist health care plan..what a moron. Privitization and capitalism are what make this country great, and you liberals want to destroy that.

The Democrats need to realize the country has heard what they are trying to sell, and the majority of the country is not buying. They desperately need to realize this country cares about values (evidenced by the gay marriage ban being ratified in every state that had it on the ballot). I am not anti-Democrat. Believe it or not, I probably want the Democratic party to re-tool and succeed more than most members of it's party. I don't want Republicans to have absolute power in our government and I think a one-party system could eventually lead to some scary realities...but only one thing can stop that from happening..and that is a strong opposition party. For the love of God, stop embracing the extreme left and detach yourself from the Michael Moore's of the world. If you don't, your party will slowly be mentioned only in the history books.

Posted by: Eric at November 12, 2004 10:31 AM

This is absolutely wonderful! thanks for the good find. It's a great read!

Posted by: jdavies at November 12, 2004 11:24 AM

This is hilarious. My housemate is a Republican - and even he thought it was hilarious. So much, in fact, that he printed it out and it now resides on our fridge next to the Red Stripe magnet and the artwork of the little girl next door.

Thank you for posting this. . .

Posted by: ben at November 12, 2004 11:38 AM

Maybe a bit over the top, but instructive nonetheless. As for your critics who decry lefty Democrats and Michael Moore populism, let me ask: where did they get their information? From the conservative media hosts who shout down every opinion which doesn't fit their predetermined view? From the professional politicians who will say anything to get into office and do anything to stay there?

Kerry wanted a health plan guaranteed by the government, just as mortgages and bank accounts are. That hardly qualifies as "socialized medicine". Perhaps he would have forced price caps on the pharmaceutical companies to keep down Medicare costs: only fair, considering the billions they have made on federally-financed medical research. Perhaps he would have demanded stronger regulation on the HMOs: a relief, considerng that, unlike government bureaucrats, insurance-company bureaucrats are dedicated only to denying as many claims as possible.

Government should be of the people, by the people, and for the people. From the earliest days, when a tribe chose a leader to settle arguments or decide when to move or plant, government has been about people doing together what they cannot or will not do by themselves. Those who would wish to be independent should start small: for example, try disposing of your garbage without the government-contracted service or landfill. You can bury it in your backyard, as long as nothing seeps into your neighbors' well water, and it doesn't attract rats, and it doesn't drive down property values, and you don't run out of space, etc.

Yes, capitalism is a force for innovation, progress and democratization. The canal and railroad networks, telegraph, telephone and power lines, and the computer revolution were all driven by industry barons coming from nothing to create and capture a market. Unbridled capitalism, capitalism without regulation, is another story. A monopoly which shuts down every competitor, regardless of skill, is unbridled capitalism, but a violation of the spirit of the free market and a damper on innovation. Ponzi schemes and other scams are unbridled capitalism but do nothing but enrich the scammers (and if you think this is just a problem for the fools parting from their money, check out the Vesco scandal of the early '70s, or, for that matter, the padded bookkeeping of Enron). Patent medicines and quack healers are examples of unbridled capitalism. Sharecropping (nowadays it is referred to as "corporate agriculture") is unbridled capitalism. Buying off politicians is unbridled capitalism. Tax dodging is unbridled capitalism. The Mafia is unbridled capitalism.

Never forget: corporations are in it for the money. That is the whole point of business. The better ones are in it for the long haul, and will invest in sustainable business practices; the worst will bump up quarterly profits by selling capital, cutting corners or engaging in outright fraud, and then sell out to an unsuspecting conglomerate, take the money, and run. Even the best ones, however, expect a profit for their products and services (excepting the individual businessmen who are driven by morality, e.g. Andrew Carnegie, who decided his children should make their own fortunes and who spent his later years giving away one of America's biggest fortunes to found public libraries, schools, museums, concert halls, etc. Corporations are more often driven by the venality of the individual businessmen).

As for Michael Moore, I haven't seen Farenheit 9/11, but I did see Roger and Me. He spent the entirety of that film documenting the economic pain in his hometown caused by GM's decision to close its flagship plant, and trying to meet the chairman to get a straight answer to a simple question: Why? President Bush doesn't hold press conferences, he won't answer unscreened questions, and he questions the patriotism of those who simply want a straight answer.

What is a democracy if you can't question your leaders? I don't want to sabotage his administration. I don't want to keep him from doing his job. I don't want character assassinations, smear campaigns, lies, cover-ups, misdirection or stonewalling. I want answers, and you should too.

Posted by: ConservativeLiberal at November 12, 2004 2:07 PM

I appreciate that most of the posts commenting this have been made in a constructive manner... including this previous one which is properly argumented.

Those who think Kerry was a leftist, or, more ridiculous, leaning to the "extreme left" should open their eyes to what truly leftist governments do or want around the world, which is not try to vaguely control capitalism, but have EVERYTHING state-controlled, the ideal being something like "everyone earns the same and owns the same no matter what their job is". That certainly doesn't sound like the democrat program to me...
Absurd paranoia angainst commies should calm down, we don't live in that world anymore.

I, personally, do not believe that republican voters have properly understood what they are voting for and against, what is at stake.
You might no want to embrace the democrat or "rest-of-the-world" cause, but try considering facts, wondering what the outcry around the world is all about...
I'm thinking of the 12.5% of americans who live below the poverty line [CIA factbook], who can't afford proper (i.e private) education, health... If America's greatness is measured by the number of billionaires or by sheer military power, then sure, America is just great.
Now I won't get into the value-bashing rethorics of www.fuckthesouth.com, but perhaps the republican should turn to their church for the moral values... electing a born-again non-drinker won't make the country any safer, or more righteous...
Shouldn't "value voters" consider those "thou shalt not kill 10,000 people and alienate the rest of the world (in the name of freedom)" kind of moral values rather than gay marriage issues?
Fighting for "a safer world", the Bush administration has put to risk many americans by kindling anti-american feeling in all arab countries (and for that matter in other areas too... think of the ten million+ people who demonstrated against the Irak war around the world)... American interests are not in democracy, they're in American-style societies, such as it was demonstrated in south America, where 100% of the countries have had brutal military dictators instated by CIA-organised coups. Of course, this is history and not current Bush record, but Irak will be seen in the future just the same...
Okay, so most voters who elected Bush were voting for Values, now I'll suppose those are righteous heterosexuals who would not have an abortion themselves... therefore are voting for issues that don't directly affect them, hence don't directly benefit them, and are also imposing their vote on the rest of the world who has to suffer from the Bush policies. Bush goes for war, for poverty, a spoiled environment...

So basically what i mean to say, yeah we all know that republicans were more concerned about gay marriage and abortion... but that IS the problem. There are issues a lot more important, and you need to wake up and face them. At least consider them, get informed...

There are a few obvious facts and issues, as much domestic and foreign that should be considered, and not plainly denied. Bush wants tax cuts: who benefits from tax cuts? Bush wanted a war, a patriot act, who benefits from all this? Bush is ignoring international human-right treaties (e.g by denying rights to POW in Guantanamo, in having lawyers decide that anti-torture bans don't apply to the president in times of war [including "war against terror"]) Who benefits from all this?
Governement is supposed to keep out of health care, who benefits from this? policies against gay marriage, abortion, to whos benefit? The US refuse the Kyoto protocol... who benefits from this? Assault weapons are once-again freely sold... to who's benefit?
To many of these questions, the answer is not "the American public at large", let alone "the world". Mostly it's the big american corporations.
Of course, of the richer american people, most are perfectly right to vote republican... the republican policies are serving their interests... but should they not think of the population at large? and all those regular "Joe Republican"?

This article is doing the right thing: it raises questions. Now the girlie men are those who won't listen. I hope more republicans reply in a constructive way, rather than feeling insulted and just insulting back.

Posted by: Alan at November 12, 2004 3:46 PM

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

My water isn't clean and no tree hugger can take credit for city buses. By the way, they're the only vehicle that don't have to meet any emission standards, hence the black cloud every time they take off from a light.

My health insurance doesn't "pay for" my drugs, I pay out the ass for my insurance so I'm paying for my drugs and probably for half of yours.

My drugs are safe because they tested them on a fucking monkey. You think the liberals were all for that?

My bacon "isn't safe" because of a liberal, it's $7 a pound because some puss is making sure the pig on my plate has more room in their cage than my first apartment.

The air outside isn't clean unless you live in republican country (ever been to LA?)

I have a good job because it took the PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY to make sure I have marketable skills instead of getting a degree in psychology and then bitching no one wants to hire me.

My car is safe because of RALPH NADER, not a liberal, you stupid fucking idiot. But you keep saying that because I'm laughing my ass off that you even wrote it.

Yeah, farmers have electricity. Great, now can you tell me why my tax money is still going to the "Rural Electrification Act of 1936"? You don't have that done after 70 fucking years?

Joe's father has to live in squalor because he was forced to put his money in a social security system that fucking gave dirt for a return. Had he been able to invest it himself he would have been a fucking millionaire.

Posted by: Jeff Stabler at November 14, 2004 2:51 AM

I think Jeff has brought up some interesting arguments...let the debate continue!

Posted by: Andrea at November 14, 2004 10:45 AM

responding to jeff...actually health insurance does pay for most of your drugs. give me the prescriptions you're taking and I can show you how much it would actually cost. also there are emission standards for city buses, i think he is just making things up because hes angry, in which case he may need help from that out of work psychology major.

Posted by: mike d at November 15, 2004 1:20 PM

whiners all

Posted by: Joe Independant at November 15, 2004 2:37 PM

Jeff is certainly an opionated person despite his lack of knowledge. Yes, the REA was created in 1935, at a time when only 10% of rural America had electricity. Through a loan program, hundreds of small rural cooperatives were set up and now well over 90% of rural America has electricity. This startling turn-around occured in fewer than 30 years after the founding of the REA (now the National Rural Electric Cooperative Association).

Those old loans were all paid back, and new loans are taken out as needed for maintenance and expansion. Those loans too get paid back. If a co-op operates in the black, any profits remaining after payments on loans is distributed to the shareowners, who are the customers of the co-op as well. Who wouldn't want to get a check from their electric utility once a year? Since the customers are the shareholders, there is no incentive for price gouging to please the shareholders, so the cost of co-op electricity is held down.

Perhaps Jeff would like to educate himself a bit more on this subject. Try this URL: http://www.nreca.org/

Posted by: laura at November 15, 2004 8:15 PM

>> Andrea, this is fabulous. I'm sending it to friends. <<

[This was the first post of this thread.]

OK, I bothered to do the math, you fuckers.

46.3% of all the people who voted for Kerry came from the red states. (25.9 million of the 55.9 million: numbers cited on CNN.)

And here's some state factoids for the self-righteous Yanks (remember: I was born in Manhattan):

40% of voters in the state of New York voted for Bush
40% of voters in the state of Mississippi voted for Kerry

40% of voters in the state of Connecticut voted for Bush
42% of voters in the state of Louisiana voted for Kerry


48% of voters in the state of Oregon voted for Bush
49% of voters in the state of Missouri voted for Kerry

46% of voters in the state of Washington voted for Bush
45% of voters in the state of Arkansas voted for Kerry

So FUCK OFF with all of this red state vs. blue state BULLSHIT, ASSHOLES.

My two cents,

*

Posted by: * at November 18, 2004 9:44 PM
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